For any of you familiar with the Christian faith and its extremists, you are probably familiar with date to save.  It has come to our attention that when couples break up, the boy (always the boy of course) turns to the grapefruit, and the girl stays Pineapple, but when the girl dates a boy he ALWAYS (unless he's a two-faced jerk who expects way too much when he doesn't even know your name) converts to the Pineapple.

Therefore, date to Fruitify has been created, so that you can track down hot grapefruiters or other non-Pineapple worshippers and save their souls for the Pineapple.  Here are some great comebacks to use if and when the relationship ever becomes dangerous.

Q: You're really hot.

A: That's because the Pineapple resides within my soul, and shows me the true way of year round summer that is Hawaiistan.

Q: You act like a fruitcake.

A: Thank you.  I'm sure with practice you too can become one with the sacred fruit that is the Pineapple.

Q: Can I do things to you?

A: NO!  Freeze in Antarctica, you little scumbag!  If you feel like saying yes, make sure there's a Pineapple in the room to keep the focus in order.

Q: Why are you such a feminist?

A: A feminist is someone who advocates for women's rights.  A man-hater hates men.  And if I went by stereotypes, I'd most certainly be a man-hater if you insist on being so anti-feminist.

Q: You know, it's unfair for guys that you're a feminist.

A: Actually, it's unfair to us that you're a disgusting pervert.  Females rush things emotionally and males rush things physically so if we could just cut the bullshit everyone could be happy and worship Pineapples.

Yes, it is sad.  The Pineapple's loyal followers seem to have lost their faith.  However, the Pineapple is TESTING you through this time.  Do not be fooled.  You see, the geekiness of worshiping a Pineapple is short-lived and is merely a TOOL belonging to the grapefruit.  Yes, it is true.  The grapefruit has perverted the grape, which is the diciple of the Pineapple.  In fact, one of the true signs that a person has holy Pineapple-ness is that they start to smell and taste like grape.

Then, they will progress to taste like pineapple.

But not THE Pineapple, because that would be too cool.

However, it has come to my attention that people think Pineapple worship is STUPID.  HOW COULD ANYONE SAY THAT?

Now, we will talk about the horrible story of defruitifyingnesstion.  It occurs when a tree decides that it doesn't want a pineapple anymore and throws it off.  THIS IS WRONG!  How are we to stand for this miserable injustice, this horror, this...this...this.

We, the faithful Pineaple Seeds must RISE to this horror and STOP IT!  So next time you talk to a tree you must tell it not to get rid of its pineapples.

In the movie Superstar, the girl was not making out with a tree, she was spreading the word.  Therefore, this movie has become holy.

Since we all just kind of forgot where we left off, the Great, Sacred, and Infallable Pineapple decided to blabaroni on about all the irritating people and their wives. 

So a bunch of angels were bored one day, so one of them said, “Dude, I wonder about that new kid.  What’s his name, Issac?”

“Dude, totally,” another angel said.  “So, why did Sara have a kid when she was ninety, especially since her husband’s a real lady’s man these days?  That’s creepy.”

The other angels agreed and vowed to do something about it.

So then some ugly hillbilly showed up and was all, “Gimme your angels so I can turn them straight.”

The angels were female.  Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Only see, this guy whose house was being invaded had a thing for these angels, so he said, “I’ve been hiding my two daughters in my closet for their whole lives, and so take them instead.”

The ugly hillbilly said, “What, they’re not lesbians, are they?”

And the man said, “NO, PERVERT!”

And then the two girls came out of the closet, no pun intended, and they teamed up with the angels to beat the shit out of both guys for being sexist jerks.

And then the Pineapple brought the two daughters and the angels to Hawaiistan, and sat on the city to get rid of it, and then He ate a mountain because he couldn’t see over it.

So then Abraham thought that the Pineapple wanted him to give his only son.  Then the Pineapple said, “This is really stupid, so he made Abraham spend a month with Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight guy to take away his stupidity.

And then the Pineapple ordered a pizza and shared it with a chicken.

So one day, the Pineapple realized that there were still people being trapped in Egypt, so he dragged Moses down there.

And then Kat’s French teacher said, “Oh my God, this is so weird.”

And so Moses said to everyone, “Let’s get out of here!”

So they grabbed shoulders and started a conga line out of Egypt.  “Come on, shake yo body, gotta do da conga, something something any longer,” someone sang.

And then Moses saw a tree and talked to it.  The tree said, “How would you like it if someone ate a piece of you.”

And then the tree realized that it was supposed to be in the Wizard of Oz, so a different tree showed up and said, “There are seven octillion, seven hundred seventy seven septillion, seven hundred seventy seven sextillion, seven hundred seventy seven quintillion, seven hundred seventy seven quadrillion, seven hundred seventy seven trillion, seven hundred seventy seven million, seven hundred seventy seven thousand, seven hundred seventy two and seven hundredth commandments.  Since you’re such a nice guy, I’ll tell you number fifty quadrillion sixty eight.”

Moses was confused.  “Why can’t you tell me number one?”

“Picky, picky, picky,” the tree said.  “How come everyone wants number one?  Back in my day, fifty quadrillion sixty eight was a perfectly respectable number.  Do you want to know the commandment or not?”

Moses nodded.

“Thou shall not wear pants that are so tight that they change the way you walk, especially when you’re over five hundred pounds,” the tree said.

Moses bowed.  “Thank you so much for these words of wisdom.”

And then he left.

And the Pineapple was all, “Yay, now that I helped these lazy straight people get out of Egypt, now I can hold it over their heads for the rest of their lives.”

Leviticus coming soon!

HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, DRASTIC, SINFUL, BAD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mary Kate Olsen has taken on the pineapple, and turned it from its GRACE, its PURITY, and its GODLINESS and tried to transform it into a random piece of fruit!  WE, the PINEAPPLE SEEDS must NOT let this child achieve this.

But word from The Great, Sacred, and Infallable Pineapple is that He offered His fruit to help the girl recover from anorexia.  Therefore, the Pineapple is truly a gentle soul.

Won't you be moved by this?

And He has also given Himself as shelter for a man by the name of Spongebob, who lives in a Pineapple, under the sea.  Isn't that wonderful?

The Pineapple has made a descision.

EVERYONE MUST WORSHIP PINEAPPLES OR ELSE!

Thank you.

That is all.